(no subject)

I started sleeping with this new guy. I want to approach it in a healthy way...embrace the experience for exactly what it is without wishing or hoping that it will turn into something that it is not. I am trying hard not to get too emotionally entangled, I don't call him more than every couple of weeks, and I constantly examine my feelings to make sure I'm not getting off track or wrapped up. It's a battle. I still think about him all the time and wish he was around. It's a catch-22 because I am trying to not get attached or develop any expectations, and at the same time I recognize that I probably wouldn't keep sleeping with him if I didn't like him and feel some connection to him. I am sure it's cliche for a woman, but what I enjoy about sex is the (perceived) emotional intimacy. I realized a few months back that the only way I experience feeling close with someone is though physical intimacy, and this inappropriately blurs the lines of emotional, mental, and spiritual connection. For example, some of my friends are very physically affectionate with each other and this is difficult for me to grasp. Why would you cuddle with someone while there was no intention to have sex with them? When I realized this about myself, I felt really broken. I am sure it is based in my conservative religious upbringing and the idea that all physical intimacy ought to be reserved for that one special relationship with your life partner (husband). And since my family is not close I never learned how to develop closeness and intimacy of a non-sexual nature. So broken.............

(no subject)

Ha ha...it takes more than a little honesty and openness to scare me away. What you said there was really interesting--about offering details about your life to make new friends over and over again. I recognize that's how it's done, but I have somehow never been good at sharing those details and I think that's part of the reason my friendships come and go. I am just not that open. But anyway....

I haven't heard anything about TCS or JLD lately, but I should ask my mom. She's a huge gossip and bound to know something. Several years ago I saw JLD's dad some place and I think he said JLD was working as an electrician at AGH here in the city, but he didn't live in the city. I really don't remember, but I'll ask my mom. I don't go home to C much, and I don't know why my parents still live there. They are both retired now. I think they are waiting for either me or my brother to settle down and have kids. ARH is a lot closer to it than me. He lives in S C with his wife and they are planning to buy a house there soon.

It's great that you have a good relationship with your mom, though it does surprise me a little because I don't remember you two being especially close. However, maybe that was just typical parent/teenager relationship strain that I recall. I honestly don't know how I turned out to be such a different person than my parents. My mother and I have nothing in common and I just don't like her very much as a person, so I think it is awesome that you have such respect and admiration for yours. I am envious. I talked to your mom quite a bit at that 4th of July party, but I don't really remember what we talked about. Such a bad memory!!

Quaker services have always intrigued me. In Boston, the meetinghouse was directly across from the LDS chapel, so I walked by it every Sunday after parking and I was always curious. The sense of community that you described really appeals to me, but I suppose it would only work if I opened myself up to it. Regarding St. P's, I think your experience there was probably somewhat different than mine in that I never talked to anybody about anything. Yeah, it would seem that talking to your youth leader about something bothering you was the natural thing to do, but I never had any conversations like that. I remember distinctly when I stopped believing--it was October when I was 15. I looked around at all those people I had known my whole life and I just knew in my heart that what they believed and their way of life was not the absolute truth. But I never told a soul. 

I am also glad to hear you love your job as a 4th grade teacher. Life leads us on crazy paths, huh? Yes, I became an undertaker. People ask me why, and I never really know what to say. Guess it was just a calling. It's not working out so great, though. Tough to find a job unless you have family in the business, and I'd like to start my own place but it's risky and overwhelming. I don't want to start a business, I just want to help people get through the worst day of their life. When I went to mortuary school, and even when I graduated, I was interested in embalming and human anatomy still intrigues me, but I never really had the opportunity to learn embalming for various reasons. And then I got involved with a non-profit group called GBP and now I don't really care to learn embalming. It is a very invasive process and the chemicals are known carcinogens that burn my nose and throat and I really don't want to be around them. I am interested in doing green funerals and home funerals--the way it was done for thousands of years prior to the advent of embalming. I am involved with the group that opened PA's first green cemetery and I was able to assist with a home funeral for the first burial at the cemetery. But I have been struggling for years to make ends meet as a funeral director. Since November I have been interviewing with FI and they have offered me a job contingent upon getting my insurance license. I am halfway through the licensing process. A career in sales is something I never considered, and insurance is about the most boring thing in the world, but the stability is appealing to me, as well as a steady income, so I think I am going to do it. I feel like a total sell-out, but it will be beneficial in some ways. I will have the opportunity to meet more people and be more outgoing and more involved in the community, which is something I always liked about funeral service. Training starts in March.

I thought of those Penelope letters right away when we got back in touch, because I think that was happening right before our split. I honestly felt kind of ashamed about writing them. But I always took everything way too seriously. On hearing your take, I guess I can chalk it up to youthful games and whimsy.

Happy New Year! I am off to gym with plenty of food for thought while I run on the treadmill.......

KLH