(no subject)

[blackbirdblog]

I started sleeping with this new guy. I want to approach it in a healthy way...embrace the experience for exactly what it is without wishing or hoping that it will turn into something that it is not. I am trying hard not to get too emotionally entangled, I don't call him more than every couple of weeks, and I constantly examine my feelings to make sure I'm not getting off track or wrapped up. It's a battle. I still think about him all the time and wish he was around. It's a catch-22 because I am trying to not get attached or develop any expectations, and at the same time I recognize that I probably wouldn't keep sleeping with him if I didn't like him and feel some connection to him. I am sure it's cliche for a woman, but what I enjoy about sex is the (perceived) emotional intimacy. I realized a few months back that the only way I experience feeling close with someone is though physical intimacy, and this inappropriately blurs the lines of emotional, mental, and spiritual connection. For example, some of my friends are very physically affectionate with each other and this is difficult for me to grasp. Why would you cuddle with someone while there was no intention to have sex with them? When I realized this about myself, I felt really broken. I am sure it is based in my conservative religious upbringing and the idea that all physical intimacy ought to be reserved for that one special relationship with your life partner (husband). And since my family is not close I never learned how to develop closeness and intimacy of a non-sexual nature. So broken.............