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Jan. 21st, 2012 10:27 pmI've never been so depressed in my life and I just don't know how to shake it off. Part if it is just winter time blues, and part may be some weird chemical imbalance from more physical activity than I'm used to. Plus, I have been spending all my time alone, and that does not help because I just retreat into my dark and brooding thoughts and spiral into this negative oblivion where I don't want to see anybody or do anything and all I really want is for death to come quickly.
It's no secret I am not happy in life. My dad even asked me a few months back if I was happy. Can't really remember the context, but it did kind of come out of no where and I was caught off guard. I got evasive, of course, and didn't directly answer, but said something like, "I work 10 hours a week in a job I hate. How happy can I be?" I feel like I let him down by being unhappy. I don't think Dad has ever been that happy, due to both internal disposition and external circumstances, and parents all want something better for their children so it seems logical that he's especially disappointed I have followed him on this path.
I just tried to imagine what could possibly make me happy at this point in my life, and could not come up with much. I've decided what I want to do with my life--be a funeral director and help people get through the worst day of their life. But it is just not working out. I suppose it could if I was willing to relocate and learn to embalm. So in that sense I take full responsibility for the state of my life. I am fully aware that I alone have complete control over my own destiny and happiness. It feels even worse knowing this is my own fault.
The other conspicuous void in my life is a partner. My mother sent me an email several months back asking if I had "given up on male companionship in my life". I did not respond to the inflammatory topic. I do not hope for a husband, but the relationship I envision is something more like a teammate, or a mutually beneficial partnership. It doesn't even have to be lifelong. So the absence of these two things--a rewarding vocation and a meaningful relationship--would seem to be the greatest sources of my unhappiness. However, when I just imagined life in different circumstances, if I were able to have fulfilling employment and domestic partnership, I was still miserable....which points to a notion I have long suspected: I will never be happy. As if it is not possible. As if my disposition and Fate and history have all combined to create this unique unfortunate destiny to which I am bound. Either that, or this is what true depression feels like--no ability to see light at the end of the tunnel, or believe that it will get better, or that life could evolve into anything other than what it is now.
It's no secret I am not happy in life. My dad even asked me a few months back if I was happy. Can't really remember the context, but it did kind of come out of no where and I was caught off guard. I got evasive, of course, and didn't directly answer, but said something like, "I work 10 hours a week in a job I hate. How happy can I be?" I feel like I let him down by being unhappy. I don't think Dad has ever been that happy, due to both internal disposition and external circumstances, and parents all want something better for their children so it seems logical that he's especially disappointed I have followed him on this path.
I just tried to imagine what could possibly make me happy at this point in my life, and could not come up with much. I've decided what I want to do with my life--be a funeral director and help people get through the worst day of their life. But it is just not working out. I suppose it could if I was willing to relocate and learn to embalm. So in that sense I take full responsibility for the state of my life. I am fully aware that I alone have complete control over my own destiny and happiness. It feels even worse knowing this is my own fault.
The other conspicuous void in my life is a partner. My mother sent me an email several months back asking if I had "given up on male companionship in my life". I did not respond to the inflammatory topic. I do not hope for a husband, but the relationship I envision is something more like a teammate, or a mutually beneficial partnership. It doesn't even have to be lifelong. So the absence of these two things--a rewarding vocation and a meaningful relationship--would seem to be the greatest sources of my unhappiness. However, when I just imagined life in different circumstances, if I were able to have fulfilling employment and domestic partnership, I was still miserable....which points to a notion I have long suspected: I will never be happy. As if it is not possible. As if my disposition and Fate and history have all combined to create this unique unfortunate destiny to which I am bound. Either that, or this is what true depression feels like--no ability to see light at the end of the tunnel, or believe that it will get better, or that life could evolve into anything other than what it is now.
