(no subject)

I don't know if I blame the church for fucking us all up (though I am incredibly socially awkward, as you mentioned). Mostly I hold my own parents responsible. I have kind of a bad memory, so maybe I have forgotten a lot of the weird stuff that happened at St. P's. Out of curiosity, to what are you referring? And how do you remember it being handled by the adults?

Funny that you mention giving up your problems to the "Universe"--I frequently refer to the Universe in the place of God, to my mother's dismay. I think there is some kind of higher power, but I don't know what it is and I kind of think it is beyond human understanding. I believe in the inter-connectedness of all beings as a power greater than our own...but I really don't think much about it. I was Mormon for a while, which was very comfortable for me following the conservative Christian upbringing, and in a lot of ways I am sorry that did not work out for me. It is a very family-oriented theology, so as a single person with no other family in that church it was too difficult to go it alone. I go to Unitarian church every now and then, but I don't really feel any connection to it. And I can relate to what you said about steering clear of church-goers. There is so much hatred and hypocrisy tied up with American Christianity, that I don't even want to associate myself with it, even though I do believe in the philosophy of Jesus Christ. That is, love God & love your neighbor.

I may have known you dated TCS for a while, but I didn't know about  his mother's little breakdown. Very strange. And I am not surprised to hear of his sex addiction in light of his upbringing, and I think I have some of those tendencies, maybe manifested a little differently. A few years back I read a book called The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti that kind of put things in perspective for me. But all that is still a struggle. Do you keep in touch with TCS? Do you know what he's up to these days?

Thank you for the kind words regarding our past friendship. I think trying to be different was the natural response to such a stifling religious upbringing, and I don't remember being conscious of it at the time but I do have a bad memory. I think that is also what drew me to you back then, and I really did like your company and value your friendship. Mostly what I remember is hanging out at your house on Friday nights during the adults' home group, in the woods and in your room. Remembering that now makes me even more sorry that our friendship ended back then. But such is life.

Thanks for writing back, and I am glad to be back in touch.

Regards,

K

(no subject)

I am so glad my last response didn't scare you away.  I thought I might been a little too open and forthcoming after so many years of silence, but traveling so much has made me need to offer details about my life so that it is easier to make new friends again and again and again and again... you get the picture...

I do not keep in touch with TCS, much to my dismay.  I really did love him when we were dating and even thought he might be "the one" after all of our history together, but then after seeing his mom's hatred for me and how he didn't defend me I knew I had made most of the 'love feeling' up in my head.  I heard he married a girl from around the WS area about a year after we broke up, and I saw him once (before his marriage) at a KCHS graduation I was obligated to attend because it was for Amber Musgrave's sister (who just happened to be in the same class as TCS's little brother.)  I assume he is happily married with like 4 kids now or something like that.

Do you ever hear about JLD? I never have had an update on him, ever.

I also experimented a lot with different religions while in college. I attended a UU church for awhile, and kinda liked it. But the best
one for me was when I was a Quaker for about a year.  They just hold meetings that no one leads and then sit around and speak about their week, thank people for good deeds, and socialize.  It was so different from anything else I've experienced. I only quit going once I started dating this guy Keith and sorta picked up on his love of pills.  That was the long term relationship I had before TCS.  I regret letting the pills get in the way of me being a part of the Quaker community, but I still think about "God" being "The Universe" because of what I learned from them.  I think Jesus was an awesome guy. He was such a rebel in his time.  I still use his teachings, combined with other good moral values, as a road map for how to live. If all Christians lived and believed like my mum does then I would be 100% on that boat, but she is definitely in the minority.  My mum is truly an amazing woman and
my biggest inspiration to live life in a good way and show love by living love... if that makes any sense.

I guess I repressed so many memories of St. P's because of how ashamed I was made to feel for being me.  I have a lot of issues with my father and how he acted one way at church and then changed into a completely different person as soon as we were in the van on the way home.  I told CK one time how conflicted I was (because she was the youth group leader at the time) and she basically told me I was crazy and full of lies. She said my dad was a good guy and I was just trying to get attention (which I did do a lot of back then... hahaha).  I can't blame her for not wanting to get involved, but it was a serious problem for me at the time, and it would have been nice to be taken seriously.  There are so many other things, too, but those will have to wait for another email because my students just started arriving and I have a hundred things to do with the holidays around the corner and all. (Can you believe that I am a 4th grade teacher??!!??!!?? People actually trust me to teach their little ones and I actually really LOVE it! NEVER saw that one coming...)

Just one more thing, I heard that you had become a mortician. Is that true? If so, I have so many questions.  I thought about doing that myself, or being a midwife, but then went to Korea to teach English because the money was awesome and it didn't require me to spend a bunch of money being trained when I was already drowning in student debt. A Degree in English Lit and Women's Studies is actually an asset there!  It increased my pay, too!  hahaha, silly Koreans... just because you can speak and read English does NOT mean you can teach it. I ended up just mimicking my mom and being pretty darn good at it, if I must say so myself...  LOL.

It has been great catching up with you, and long over due.  Do you remember the Penelope letters we used to type on those crazy Friday nights?  That still brings a smile to my face!  :D

More later,
R