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Jan. 31st, 2014 10:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blackbirdblogMy heart is full of thoughts and emotion and I do not know another way to relief except to write it down and put it outside myself. So much has happened I hardly know where to start. My father was hospitalized for several days with what may be liver or pancreatic cancer, but we will not know for at least a week or so. Had two separate psychological breakthrough moments while in conversation with friends--one with NC (psychologist by vocation) and the other with KW (benefited from regular therapy in the past). My grandmother is not doing that well. I have semi-resigned from my day job while trying to start my own funeral business, but I have experienced setbacks in getting it up and running that make me just want to crawl in bed and never get out. And another contributing factor to that depression is surely the cold and snowy weather.
While my father was in the hospital, my mother took ill with a stomach bug and was unable to be with him for two days, so I stepped in and went to be with him at the hospital. It was actually nice to spend time with him--he talked so much more than he ever does when I visit at their house. My father has always been one to dwell on the past and look backward rather than forward so I was not surprised by questions about college and old friends that I would rather not think about. My parents recently moved out of the house I grew up in to a newly constructed home in one of those nondescript modern housing plans, closer to their nearest small city, but just as far from me and the rest of mom's family in the big city. Everything is on one floor, but it is just as big if not bigger than the old house, and they spent over $300K which is way more money than I would ever spend on a dwelling with so little character. So during this conversation he also said it seems like I do not like their new house but did not really have anything to back that up other than the fact that I do not stay there. At first I explained that I do not stay there because I live only an hour away so it is not inconvenient for me to drive home when I am tired, and that I also like to sleep in my own bed and be in my own place. Perfectly reasonable. After giving it a bit more thought, I explained that it does not feel comfortable there because they are not unpacked and it does not feel very "homey". Most of Dad's stuff is in the unfinished basement, in boxes or displayed haphazardly on utility shelves. Mom's stuff is upstairs in the living area. One of the bedrooms has his gun cabinet and a chest and his computer on a small table in the center of the room with a dining chair next to it. In the other bedroom is a guest bed and huge dresser and my mom's computer on a little table with a dining chair next to it. Neither one of them seems happy or comfortable there, so in turn it does not feel relaxing or comfortable for me to go there. I explained this and indicated that I only wanted them both to be happy and comfortable in the house. I think Dad wishes they had not moved. I really have no idea why they did, except that after Dad's health scare (aortic aneurysm and stroke) two years ago, Mom was full of worry that he could not handle living on multiple levels so they needed one-level living. But I think they were just bored with each other and retirement and needed something to do.
Another question Dad asked me while were hanging out in the hospital was whether I am holding on to some "ancient" grudge against my mother (because apparently she thinks I am). I assured him that I am not, I have forgiven her for everything from the past, but she continues to do things in the present that hurt me deeply and this is what causes me to keep her at a distance. A year or so ago she wrote a letter to me asking if there was anything she did in the past that I had not forgiven her for, and if so would I please forgive her. I never responded. At the time, I did not know what to say, but over the last few months I think I am formulating a response. And I explained to Dad that her overzealous and judgmental religious fanaticism is one of the major wedges she drives between us. For example, on her Christmas card this year, she hand wrote something like "May you know the Peace and Joy of Christ Jesus this season and always", even though I have asked her *many* times not to throw her religion at me in such a way. She has also signed emails with tags like "A life without God is like an unsharpened pencil--pointless!" When I gently explained to her how offensive this is, she defended the quotation, refused to see things from my point of view, and never apologized or acknowledged my hurt feelings. So in the hospital, I explained to Dad how she has chosen her religion over her relationship with her family and he somewhat defended her by pointing out that this is what the Bible says is correct. I do not happen to believe it is the spirit of the law to judge anyone as damned or unworthy, especially family members. However, if she does believe this then she has chosen her path and is personally responsible for the distance between us. So heavenly-minded, she's no earthly good....
In conversation with NC, I came to realize how much influence my family history and parents have had on my whole outlook on life. I view my parents as mostly unhappy with each other and their situation, but resigned to accept it and get through it without changing anything. For example, my father speaks with regret about having missed out on a tenured position at DU when he was younger and then spent his career in private practice, which he never seemed very passionate about. He escaped to his basement man-cave, and for long hunting weekends to the mountains with his buddies, and took solo vacations to Colorado where he rode horses, camped out hunting elk, and lived like a cowboy. For some years he voraciously consumed old Western novels. My mother tells how she always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and homemaker, but my father insisted she work, and she also wished to have a third child. They fought constantly and loudly with one another, then they would individually complain to me about all the things they disliked about the other. For years while Mother coached us through bedtime prayers, they were laden with entreaties for Dad to quit smoking. Their misery was pervasive and infectious.
NC helped me realize how this contributed to my developing a similar state of generalized unhappiness. I have viewed life as a hardship to be endured and "longed for the comfort of the grave" (as GU would say) from a very young age. I embraced the painful and bittersweet because I could not imagine that pure joy was a real possibility and had few, if any, life examples that could be characterized as simply sweet, without the bitter.
I don't think it has to be like this. I do believe I have the power to change my situation and make it exactly what I want it to be. I am not suggesting the possibility of a life without any pain, but I think there is something better than the way I have been living. I do not want to be resigned to the same sad destiny as my parents. I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
While my father was in the hospital, my mother took ill with a stomach bug and was unable to be with him for two days, so I stepped in and went to be with him at the hospital. It was actually nice to spend time with him--he talked so much more than he ever does when I visit at their house. My father has always been one to dwell on the past and look backward rather than forward so I was not surprised by questions about college and old friends that I would rather not think about. My parents recently moved out of the house I grew up in to a newly constructed home in one of those nondescript modern housing plans, closer to their nearest small city, but just as far from me and the rest of mom's family in the big city. Everything is on one floor, but it is just as big if not bigger than the old house, and they spent over $300K which is way more money than I would ever spend on a dwelling with so little character. So during this conversation he also said it seems like I do not like their new house but did not really have anything to back that up other than the fact that I do not stay there. At first I explained that I do not stay there because I live only an hour away so it is not inconvenient for me to drive home when I am tired, and that I also like to sleep in my own bed and be in my own place. Perfectly reasonable. After giving it a bit more thought, I explained that it does not feel comfortable there because they are not unpacked and it does not feel very "homey". Most of Dad's stuff is in the unfinished basement, in boxes or displayed haphazardly on utility shelves. Mom's stuff is upstairs in the living area. One of the bedrooms has his gun cabinet and a chest and his computer on a small table in the center of the room with a dining chair next to it. In the other bedroom is a guest bed and huge dresser and my mom's computer on a little table with a dining chair next to it. Neither one of them seems happy or comfortable there, so in turn it does not feel relaxing or comfortable for me to go there. I explained this and indicated that I only wanted them both to be happy and comfortable in the house. I think Dad wishes they had not moved. I really have no idea why they did, except that after Dad's health scare (aortic aneurysm and stroke) two years ago, Mom was full of worry that he could not handle living on multiple levels so they needed one-level living. But I think they were just bored with each other and retirement and needed something to do.
Another question Dad asked me while were hanging out in the hospital was whether I am holding on to some "ancient" grudge against my mother (because apparently she thinks I am). I assured him that I am not, I have forgiven her for everything from the past, but she continues to do things in the present that hurt me deeply and this is what causes me to keep her at a distance. A year or so ago she wrote a letter to me asking if there was anything she did in the past that I had not forgiven her for, and if so would I please forgive her. I never responded. At the time, I did not know what to say, but over the last few months I think I am formulating a response. And I explained to Dad that her overzealous and judgmental religious fanaticism is one of the major wedges she drives between us. For example, on her Christmas card this year, she hand wrote something like "May you know the Peace and Joy of Christ Jesus this season and always", even though I have asked her *many* times not to throw her religion at me in such a way. She has also signed emails with tags like "A life without God is like an unsharpened pencil--pointless!" When I gently explained to her how offensive this is, she defended the quotation, refused to see things from my point of view, and never apologized or acknowledged my hurt feelings. So in the hospital, I explained to Dad how she has chosen her religion over her relationship with her family and he somewhat defended her by pointing out that this is what the Bible says is correct. I do not happen to believe it is the spirit of the law to judge anyone as damned or unworthy, especially family members. However, if she does believe this then she has chosen her path and is personally responsible for the distance between us. So heavenly-minded, she's no earthly good....
In conversation with NC, I came to realize how much influence my family history and parents have had on my whole outlook on life. I view my parents as mostly unhappy with each other and their situation, but resigned to accept it and get through it without changing anything. For example, my father speaks with regret about having missed out on a tenured position at DU when he was younger and then spent his career in private practice, which he never seemed very passionate about. He escaped to his basement man-cave, and for long hunting weekends to the mountains with his buddies, and took solo vacations to Colorado where he rode horses, camped out hunting elk, and lived like a cowboy. For some years he voraciously consumed old Western novels. My mother tells how she always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and homemaker, but my father insisted she work, and she also wished to have a third child. They fought constantly and loudly with one another, then they would individually complain to me about all the things they disliked about the other. For years while Mother coached us through bedtime prayers, they were laden with entreaties for Dad to quit smoking. Their misery was pervasive and infectious.
NC helped me realize how this contributed to my developing a similar state of generalized unhappiness. I have viewed life as a hardship to be endured and "longed for the comfort of the grave" (as GU would say) from a very young age. I embraced the painful and bittersweet because I could not imagine that pure joy was a real possibility and had few, if any, life examples that could be characterized as simply sweet, without the bitter.
I don't think it has to be like this. I do believe I have the power to change my situation and make it exactly what I want it to be. I am not suggesting the possibility of a life without any pain, but I think there is something better than the way I have been living. I do not want to be resigned to the same sad destiny as my parents. I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
