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Jan. 19th, 2014 11:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I am despairing and I do not understand why. Could it be purely a chemical thing? Are emotions really so closely tied to the physical?
Friday was KW's birthday and I had so much anxiety leading up to it, which makes me frozen and unable to act. So I could not plan dinner, could not figure out a gift, could not even go to the Whole Foods and buy a cupcake. I feel terrible about it. We ended up going to V, a newish Mexican restaurant that KW had never been to, and then KW wanted to see this Hobbit movie. So at 10:25pm we sat down for a 3-hour movie in 3-D. I dozed most of the time, having no interest in the film. Back at my place I gave him a back massage and then we tried something new and I am not sure how he felt about it afterward. He never says much about his feelings and impressions, and I think not knowing where we stand is partially contributing to my anxiety.
Before we left for dinner I asked about his plans for Saturday night. I knew he was going to a birthday dinner with his family but had not invited me and I wondered why. Essentially his answer was that it just didn't cross his mind. He was going out with me on Friday, so he would go out with the family on Saturday. To me, it indicated he did not care to have me there at the family dinner, which is fine--I just wanted to hear that. I am still trying to figure out what it means to be his "girlfriend" because this can mean different things to different people...and clearly it does mean different things to us. After this conversation he invited me to go about 3 times, but I declined because I felt awkward like I had invited myself when I already knew he did not care if I was there or not.
Saturday he hung around my place until 4ish in the afternoon, which also felt awkward because I knew he had things to do. Today I know he is working on the house with his dad and he has not called me to stop over even though we talked about that on Friday. So I feel low. But much lower than I ought to. I am imagining things like never seeing him again and being alone again and trying to get over it and move on as a single person. And I just want to die. I imagine being paralyzed with sadness and depression and not wanting to move or go on. My "kiss the joy" mantra is not working. I need to find a way to renew that light mindset because it seemed so much happier and healthier than the darkness that has overtaken my thoughts on this cold, cloudy Sunday.........
Friday was KW's birthday and I had so much anxiety leading up to it, which makes me frozen and unable to act. So I could not plan dinner, could not figure out a gift, could not even go to the Whole Foods and buy a cupcake. I feel terrible about it. We ended up going to V, a newish Mexican restaurant that KW had never been to, and then KW wanted to see this Hobbit movie. So at 10:25pm we sat down for a 3-hour movie in 3-D. I dozed most of the time, having no interest in the film. Back at my place I gave him a back massage and then we tried something new and I am not sure how he felt about it afterward. He never says much about his feelings and impressions, and I think not knowing where we stand is partially contributing to my anxiety.
Before we left for dinner I asked about his plans for Saturday night. I knew he was going to a birthday dinner with his family but had not invited me and I wondered why. Essentially his answer was that it just didn't cross his mind. He was going out with me on Friday, so he would go out with the family on Saturday. To me, it indicated he did not care to have me there at the family dinner, which is fine--I just wanted to hear that. I am still trying to figure out what it means to be his "girlfriend" because this can mean different things to different people...and clearly it does mean different things to us. After this conversation he invited me to go about 3 times, but I declined because I felt awkward like I had invited myself when I already knew he did not care if I was there or not.
Saturday he hung around my place until 4ish in the afternoon, which also felt awkward because I knew he had things to do. Today I know he is working on the house with his dad and he has not called me to stop over even though we talked about that on Friday. So I feel low. But much lower than I ought to. I am imagining things like never seeing him again and being alone again and trying to get over it and move on as a single person. And I just want to die. I imagine being paralyzed with sadness and depression and not wanting to move or go on. My "kiss the joy" mantra is not working. I need to find a way to renew that light mindset because it seemed so much happier and healthier than the darkness that has overtaken my thoughts on this cold, cloudy Sunday.........