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Jun. 10th, 2014 04:52 pmThings seem to be going really well with KW. He still keeps my interest, I have not grown bored yet, and I just barely feel like I am starting to relax and be comfortable around him. I think I moved through the phase of pushing him away, and now I want to find ways to make him happy. We do not have the same degree of natural understanding that I shared with, say, RBC, but we do seem uniquely compatible in so many ways and I can not imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else for the rest of my days.
We had a really nice time together last Sunday. Went to an "open barn" and visited some baby goats and chickens and then to a soccer game with KW's family. When we got back to his place it was late and I was tired but I went in for a while. Out of the blue he starts a conversation about the direction of our relationship, and proceeds to drop the bombshell that he thinks about breaking up with me sometimes. During the conversation, I gathered that this had stemmed from a stupid online quiz and a recent re-reading of a bunch of text messages from an old girlfriend. He does not feel as infatuated or attached to me as he did to her, and wonders if he will ever find that again. Not sure if it was the coconut rum and orange juice we drank all evening, or the unexpected news, but I almost threw up.
It was hard for me to understand where he is coming from, because I think infatuation is a sign of an immature relationship, which stems primarily from not knowing where you stand with a partner and wishing and hoping your feelings for them are returned. When I was younger I got involved with partners based on infatuation, but not now. But if having that feeling of infatuation is important to KW, then a relationship without it will never meet his expectations. I question whether he's ever felt a real sense of attachment to a partner. Back in the very beginning I asked him if he ever had his heart broken and he said NO, which may be a sign he never cared deeply for anyone. I've cared deeply, and had my heart broken many times. For me, love is not something that just happens upon you when you meet the "right person" and it certainly can't be foretold by some quiz on a pop psychology website. Love is a decision and commitment I make to accept, support, and care for another person. I think KW's conception of love is based on Hollywood fantasies, which will be tough to live up to.
While we were having this conversation and KW was wondering where our relationships was going, I felt disappointed but very calm and peaceful. Tears never came, even when I thought he was saying we should break up then and there, so I feel confident that I will be able to accept whatever comes, however this plays out. As I turned to leave, he did stop me and explain this was not his intention to break up and asked if we could keep dating. I will admit I was tremendously relieved and wished I would have spent the night because I felt pretty bad the whole next day. We went out Monday evening and he spent the night at my place, and we've had ongoing conversations about the state of things all week. (Mostly me asking for clarification and details about vague references and obtuse answers.) I feel slightly better, but still like I am on probation while he takes the time to evaluate whether I am a suitable long-term partner.
KW just got a good job with the city and I get the sense that he finally feels like he has something to offer a partner for the long term (and he focuses on marriage specifically). I have this theory about men that they end up settling down with whomever they happen to be dating at the time when they feel ready to settle down, not necessarily when they meet the woman they feel especially compatible with. Only time will tell where KW's thoughts are leading, but I get a strong sense we'll know in the next few months. He seems anxious.
As for me...I loved him from about the time of our second date. I feel anxious because things seem to be moving slowly despite my strong feelings. I hope he'll come around and feel the same way about me, but if he does not then I will be ok. I want him to be happy, and if I can not make him happy then he ought to find someone who will. Knowing him has been a wonderful, joyous experience that I will always treasure. It is definitely better to have loved and lost........
We had a really nice time together last Sunday. Went to an "open barn" and visited some baby goats and chickens and then to a soccer game with KW's family. When we got back to his place it was late and I was tired but I went in for a while. Out of the blue he starts a conversation about the direction of our relationship, and proceeds to drop the bombshell that he thinks about breaking up with me sometimes. During the conversation, I gathered that this had stemmed from a stupid online quiz and a recent re-reading of a bunch of text messages from an old girlfriend. He does not feel as infatuated or attached to me as he did to her, and wonders if he will ever find that again. Not sure if it was the coconut rum and orange juice we drank all evening, or the unexpected news, but I almost threw up.
It was hard for me to understand where he is coming from, because I think infatuation is a sign of an immature relationship, which stems primarily from not knowing where you stand with a partner and wishing and hoping your feelings for them are returned. When I was younger I got involved with partners based on infatuation, but not now. But if having that feeling of infatuation is important to KW, then a relationship without it will never meet his expectations. I question whether he's ever felt a real sense of attachment to a partner. Back in the very beginning I asked him if he ever had his heart broken and he said NO, which may be a sign he never cared deeply for anyone. I've cared deeply, and had my heart broken many times. For me, love is not something that just happens upon you when you meet the "right person" and it certainly can't be foretold by some quiz on a pop psychology website. Love is a decision and commitment I make to accept, support, and care for another person. I think KW's conception of love is based on Hollywood fantasies, which will be tough to live up to.
While we were having this conversation and KW was wondering where our relationships was going, I felt disappointed but very calm and peaceful. Tears never came, even when I thought he was saying we should break up then and there, so I feel confident that I will be able to accept whatever comes, however this plays out. As I turned to leave, he did stop me and explain this was not his intention to break up and asked if we could keep dating. I will admit I was tremendously relieved and wished I would have spent the night because I felt pretty bad the whole next day. We went out Monday evening and he spent the night at my place, and we've had ongoing conversations about the state of things all week. (Mostly me asking for clarification and details about vague references and obtuse answers.) I feel slightly better, but still like I am on probation while he takes the time to evaluate whether I am a suitable long-term partner.
KW just got a good job with the city and I get the sense that he finally feels like he has something to offer a partner for the long term (and he focuses on marriage specifically). I have this theory about men that they end up settling down with whomever they happen to be dating at the time when they feel ready to settle down, not necessarily when they meet the woman they feel especially compatible with. Only time will tell where KW's thoughts are leading, but I get a strong sense we'll know in the next few months. He seems anxious.
As for me...I loved him from about the time of our second date. I feel anxious because things seem to be moving slowly despite my strong feelings. I hope he'll come around and feel the same way about me, but if he does not then I will be ok. I want him to be happy, and if I can not make him happy then he ought to find someone who will. Knowing him has been a wonderful, joyous experience that I will always treasure. It is definitely better to have loved and lost........
