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KW does not love me. He suggested we break up (for the second time) just days before my Dad died. The whole thing happened late at night when we both drank too much. The next morning I told him I couldn't deal with it right now and asked if we could pretend the whole conversation never happened. He was not as supportive as I would have liked during the funeral ordeal, but he stuck by me, and in the week or so afterward it seemed like we might be ok. Now he is cold as ice, won't touch me, stopped calling. He spent time and effort breaking down my walls, convincing me that he wanted to know me, and that a marriage and a future was within the realm of possibility. And then, as soon as I opened up and let him in, quit pushing him away, and became the least bit vulnerable, he pulled the meanest bait-and-switch I have ever gone through. (And I have experienced bait-and-switch before.)

Some moments I feel completely at peace about it. I know I will be OK. It was beautiful while it lasted. I had an amazing time, so many new experiences, and learned a lot about myself and about life. I felt hope.

I won't do it, but I feel like I would be completely justified in killing myself. This is it for me. Last chance. I will never open up again. I am getting too old for a family. No one else can ever meet my father. I am completely heartbroken.

But life must go on. Somehow.

Date: 2014-08-14 06:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brindle.livejournal.com
Don't despair. Love will find you again & you'll know when the time is right to open up. I'm sorry he used a crowbar to get inside your walls, then turned on you. That's wrong in every way.

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