Feb. 9th, 2016

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Following that last intense conversation with NC and PMJ over my involvement in PF, wherein they dictated I should no longer perform the functions I wanted to perform but only the tasks they selected which they didn't want to do themselves, I completely withdrew my involvement in the business which has resulted in the breakdown of our friendship as well. (However, I did buy out one of the other investors a few months later so I now own about 3%.)

There are half a dozen houses on a dead-end street next to PF. One of them has been vacant practically since PF opened 4 or 5 years ago and we each always had our eye on it for a possible office space for PF. Then in fall 2013, NC and PMJ set the goal of moving to PF to build the farm of their dreams. The resident next to the vacant house died, and they promptly bought that house and set to work on total renovation. A few months later they purchased an additional 3 acres in the rear of both these properties, cleared the land, installed fencing, and brought in the Amish for a barn raising. As soon as they purchased their new house, I set my sights on the vacant house next door and they were supportive and no longer indicated any interest in buying it. In summer 2015, the vacant house finally went up for sheriff sale. Our relationship was already a bit strained because of tension connected to the PF annual picnic coinciding with another huge vendor event we attended, and NC didn't tell me about the sheriff sale. When I saw the sign on the vacant house myself, I was shocked to learn she intended to bid and purchase it and said she would be bidding against me. Neither one of us got it because the bank was willing to bid more than it was worth, and then the bank spent several months getting the house ready and we had no idea when it would be available for sale. In the mean time, around September 2015, I purchased a secluded little shack in the woods with a large outbuilding down the hill from PF and started working to fix it up. The vacant house finally came on the market right before Christmas, and I offered maybe $5,000 above what I would have without NC's competing bid. She also made no secret that she intended to tear down the house and just use the yard and large garage (which would have truly broken my heart) and the seller was required to favor an owner-occupant so I think that hurt her chances of winning. My $18,500 bid was accepted, but the bank has really been dragging their feet and we have yet to close. The house needs a ton of work (new roof, furnace, plumbing, septic, some windows) but I am really excited about it. The structure is in good condition with no water damage until very recently, and it has large rooms, high ceilings, massive kitchen with large island and attached pantry/laundry, and fantastic closet space. It will be awesome for processing my honey, canning, making mead, and all the other creative projects I want to tackle. I love my apartment in W, especially having JM as a downstairs neighbor, and I will truly miss it when I move. But the major drawback is the small apartment kitchen which has been a big factor in my not cooking much for the past 3 years. I bought a truck to help me with the hauling and that has been a fiasco in itself. I am hopeful that once I am there working on the house, and we have the opportunity for some casual exchanges that NC and I will be able to rebuild some type of friendly relationship, even if it can't be what it was before. Still not sure about PMJ because I still don't trust him, but FAC says he always asks about me in a caring way so I am trying to keep an open mind.

No words have been exchanged between KW and myself for at least 6 months. I think about him all the time and wish I could communicate how I care about him, but I have no reason to think he gives a damn about me. I stopped going to yoga because I don't want to see him and I miss that too.

I found out on Nov. 29 through poking around FB that my ex, MK, got married in the spring to a woman he recently told me he broke up with because she had mental issues. FML. I had seen him once or twice over summer, even gave him some bees, and he failed to mention it. Why?? Why do people treat each other this way, with dishonesty and disregard? I just can't understand it. I sent him a text, no response. I always thought we'd maintain some connection from spending 4 years together, but I have concluded that those 4 years were completely wasted (for both of us) and part of my life I have no business looking back to again.

And in the middle of all this, I started dating a new guy named MK. Another MK. I'll call him Mik3 since he goes by that online sometimes. We met on OkC and based on their matching algorithm we are a 70% match and I would say that's about right. We complement each other well because we are so different, but we have very little in common. He's not my soul mate, but he is a good person and I am trying hard to make it work. Given my age, it's now or never to have kids and I feel so cliche saying that but it's just a fact of life. I always say I never think about having kids since I have not found the right partner I would want to have them with, so I have been weighing how important it is to me to have that experience in my life vs. finding the "right" partner. What are the trade-offs I am willing to make in order to get what I want? What do I want? I think I don't have enough in common with Mik3 to stay together long term if we don't have children, but I think we would be good partners and good parents together if children were the primary thing we had in common. Based on everything I read, and everything I have learned in my line of work, love is the most important thing in life and the most important factor in overall happiness. Family is love. It would definitely be a leap of faith to step toward that ideal, without being able to see the full and complete path, but I am leaning that way right now. Put aside all my misgivings and whims about what I want in the short term and focus on doing the things that should make me happiest in the long term. We'll see how it goes........


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