Jan. 27th, 2015

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KW started coming to our yoga class again. He was away for a couple of months after we split so I thought he was done with it. Then one day he was there. And a couple of more times since. Then one week we were the only two in class. We had breakfast afterward. I think it was good. I feel much more peace about the ex's that I've remained friends with. I feel no peace about ex's with whom things ended badly and we don't keep in touch. I prefer peace.

Last evening KW dropped off a tool I had loaned him, and ended up coming inside. We chatted. I offered him a drink. Then he dropped a bombshell. KW came out to me as transgendered. FML. Really?! And somehow he thought it would make me "feel better" about our relationship ending. It didn't. It made me feel like he lied, and still broke up with me for no reason because there was never any point where I didn't accept his weird fetishes or his cross dressing or anything else. But at least he's telling the truth now. Can't quite tell what his motivation is. Does he want to be my friend? Does he realize he's going to need friends? Does he care about me at all? No idea.

I am not convinced he is actually transgendered, because he didn't say anything like he always felt like a woman in a man's body or that he hates his penis. He fits a lot of the criteria in this article so maybe he's a transvestite? Transsexual? Who knows. My giving, open, caring nature leads me to feel incredibly responsible to help him somehow, so I am struggling with that because none of it is my responsibility. And I know I don't have to agree with every decision he makes in order to still care for him and be his friend. He is growing out his hair and nails and intends to transition to living as a woman. He even talked about taking the hormones, which I have very strong negative feelings about. I competely support wearing whatever you want and unconventional style, but when it comes to unnaturally altering a perfectly healthy body...I have a really hard time. Anyway, I think he should spend more time living a woman's life before he decides to do it all day every day. So I invited him to gay bingo next month, where he can dress in whatever he likes in a supportive atmosphere. I told JM, because I had to tell someone, and she thought it might be good for him to go away for a couple of months to someplace like Provincetown and live as a woman for a while to see how it goes. I thought it was a good idea.

Even though it wasn't completely out of the blue, I still feel floored. Like my world got shattered. Like someone died, almost. I couldn't keep my mind on anything for the rest of the day. I think it will be better when I get a little more distance.......


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