Aug. 22nd, 2014

unsent.

Aug. 22nd, 2014 05:29 pm
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You are depressed and you are scuttling. I can tell because you are completely indecisive and can't make even small decisions and you neglect common courtesies like returning a call. You have shut down and are not talking, which seems like a terrible response and way to treat me, but I am trying hard to remain open and supportive because that is what I would need when I feel depressed.

I have been a good partner to you. I have put up with a lot, in an effort to show that I have patience and can weather the relationship storms that are bound to come. I finally feel like I have myself together enough to be a good partner, and have something valuable to offer and contribute to a healthy relationship, for maybe the first time in my life. Do you think you have been a good partner? Why not?

I thought going through the ordeal of my father's illness and death would bring us closer. I wonder if my neediness during that time turned you off somehow. I just didn't have the emotional energy to invest in our relationship (for the better part of the relationship, since he got diagnosed in February) and I really regret it. I think it would really hurt my Dad to know that his illness negatively affected my chance at happiness. I dread telling my family and friends that this is ending.

I am also angry because I don't need to be going through this pain right now. It could have been avoided. I should have trusted my instincts about you and kept you at arm's length instead of trusting you. You said all the right things, and I believed you, even though I have learned from the past that words mean nothing. You are proving my theory that men wait to settle down with the woman they start dating when they finally reach the point in life when they have a good job and can be a good provider. So it has very little to do with the woman herself and your compatibility, but mostly your own situation. You have treated me like an object in many ways, instead of one half of a partnership. I often felt like you were looking to me to entertain and stimulate and challenge you, instead of treating me as a subject with independent ideas and unique feelings. I never felt like you tried to work together with me to develop a true partnership where both our needs were met. That would be the real challenge.

If the issues lie within you, then why are you pushing me away instead of looking within yourself to examine and resolve those issues? And talking about them with me so we can work together on a solution?

Have you ever dated a person you had so much in common with--shared interests and values? Those are the foundation for a strong and lasting relationship. Everything else is superficial. You can not expect to feel the same level of infatuation ever again that you felt with your first girlfriend, because first loves are always new and special. Infatuation fades. Attachment is developed with effort through a conscious opening of the heart and sharing of the soul. I think you have not broken it off because on some level you know that would be the wrong thing to do. That first time you mentioned that sometimes you think about breaking up with me, and I stood up to leave, thinking we were breaking up in that moment, and you stopped me. YOU asked if we could keep seeing each other. On some level you knew it was not the right thing to break up. I think you are scared. You have never in your life gone past this level with any woman, and you do not know what it will look like or be like and you are afraid of committing to something you might not want a few years from now. I understand that.

You prodded me and encouraged me to be open to the possibilities. So I was, because you convinced me. And then you completely withdrew. I do not understand why you would do that. Can you please explain?

Are you satisfied with your life's path? If you had a choice 35 years ago between being born as a man or as a woman, which would you choose?

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