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[personal profile] blackbirdblog
I have been hanging out with both KW and FAC pretty regularly. I am still one of the only people who knows what KW is going through and I try to check in with him and get together to talk a couple of times a week (though he started seeing a counselor twice a week at the LGBT support center). We made plans to go to the D. Ball fundraiser for A. Theater but it sort of turned into a fiasco when he invited his sister and lied to me about it. I said I absolutely do NOT want to see JWP, but he thought I would change my mind or something. I am willing to accept the degree of pain inherent in hanging with KW, but I draw the line at seeing his sister and her family. Losing them was probably more painful than losing KW, due to my nonexistent relationship with my own family. I ended up going to the D. Ball with FAC and he slept over at my place for the first time (in the spare room). KW randomly invited me to a baseball game on Monday, but since then he's been weird via text and not returned my calls. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but unfortunately my instincts tend to be right. I still don't understand why he pushed me away the first time, and I don't know why he's pushing me away, again.

We have had a sort of ongoing conversation about therapy, which I have never done but KW thinks I could benefit from. Of course I resent his paternalistic attitude toward me, and I point out possible ulterior motives of therapists and wonder if a person can't get the same benefits from talking to a trusted friend or other community member with whom one could develop a real two-way relationship.

KW suggested I think I don't "deserve" certain things in life. I've been thinking about it, and that may be true, but it feels right to me--not something that needs to be corrected. None of us have done *anything* to deserve the gift of life. Receiving that gift is humbling because we can never repay all the wonderful beautiful things we experience here. I value human relationships as the highest and greatest good in this life. Figuring out what my gifts are and then using those gifts to serve and bring others happiness feels like the best thing I can do to show my gratitude.
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